The overall theme of the book is that a particular kind of selfishness is good, and that a large amount of the stress and suffering we experience comes from us not honoring ourselves enough to set up boundaries on how much we’ll tolerate from other people.

We lack boundaries because we’ve been conditioned to be self-sacrificing, and we allow others exploit us emotionally, mentally and financially because we actually think there’s something wrong with establishing our own needs and expecting others to respect them.

While on one hand we live in a culture that teaches us to be self-indulgent (to be consumers who constantly want things), we also live in a culture that teaches us to be self-denying (to be donators who constantly give everything we have)…We ignore our own desires in order to help someone else get theirs, we carry the burden of someone else’s ignorance and mistakes because we “love” them, and we harbor guilt towards ourselves for even occasionally thinking of putting someone else second and ourselves first.

What’s interesting is that those who are self-indulgent are dependent upon and parasitic towards those who are self-denying – it’s like a yin & yang thing where one person is always capitalizing off of the other.

But this type of “parasite-dynamic” only comes to an end when the victim is courageous enough to be selfish in a healthy way. While if you’re looking at a relationship like this from the outside, you’re first thought might be, “Dag, that’s messed up – why is she treating him like that?” the bottom line is that he’s allowing her to, and he (or the person on the self-denial side of the equation) has to realize is that no one is benefiting from him denying his own well-being…all he’s doing is hurting himself and reinforcing her inappropriate behavior. In this case, by failing to stand up for himself, he’s preventing her from facing reality and learning the lessons she needs to.

If you’re a business owner and you have a lazy employee who’s hurting the company’s profitablity because he barely does any work, you’re not doing the worker a favor by letting him keep the job…in most cases, your best bet is to sit down with him, have a talk and let the man know he only has a short period of time to get his act together.

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* This entire post is part of a major project I’m putting together – a fundraiser for a dope grassroots Haiti relief effort actually…for the sake of time, I’ll skip down to the practical advice
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If you’re personal productivity is being severely inhibited by other people in your life, be assertive about it by doing what you need to do bring things back into balance:

1) First, get a full understanding of the sacrifices your making: don’t brush anything off as small, because if you’re noticing it now, chances are it’ll add up, multiply and eventually become something much bigger before you even know it….

If something (or someone) is annoying you now, even if it’s slight, honor that notification: project into the future what’ll happen if you don’t change things now, and think about the positives that can occur if you do…


2) Second, be extremely present the next time it goes down: notice the details of everything that happens as it’s happening (the way you feel, the specific things someone else is doing or saying, etc.). This way when you speak to them about it you can be concrete and objective.

You’ll also come up with the best strategy and get a type of clarity on the situation that’ll strengthen your resolve to actually change it.


3) Third is the action, which in my experience usually just requires a serious talk. If you’re clear and non-critical about it, if you explain why it’s a problem for you, if you stay objective and use a lot of “I” statements (when “x” happens, I feel “y”, etc.) and if you remain calm and respectful, you’ll get respect in return.

I’ve found that people are generally good-hearted and understanding – they’re not walking around with an agenda to “eff” with you purposely (unless of course they feel like you “eff’d with them” first), so you’ll almost always get a positive response when you step to someone on a positive level…especially when it’s about the things you deserve in the first place.

In worse-case scenarios, I’ve found that my best option was to leave the situation altogether (end a relationship, quit a job, etc.). I’m not saying that it always has to be between these two extremes (either a quick talk or just leave), but in my experience, whenever I was in a situation where I’d mention an issue to someone and not even see them try to make things better, it would always be a long, drawn-out series of attempts by me trying to make things better by myself only to ultimately come to the realization that “Hey, this circumstance (or this person) is probably never going to change, and if I don’t remove myself from it (or them) now, I’m just going to end up in an even worse position then I already am…”

Peace,
+B

Here’s a link to order a copy of Healthy Selfishness: Getting the Life You Deserve Without the Guilt…I signed up for an “Amazon Associates” account a few weeks back, so if you do decide to get something when you get there (the book is about then $4), I’ll probably get around 30 cents or so:

“Respect your needs and feelings, even when others do not…
ESPECIALLY when others do not.” ~ Richard Heller

Peace,
+B