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How to Be a ‘Fly’ Person: Early Writings on Building Self-Confidence, part 1 (On Reframing Your Mistakes & Failures)

3 November 2011 One Comment

For most people, being “fly” means being “jigged out,” or simply having a strong fashion sense. But for me – being the conceptual nerd that I am – being “fly” means being psychologically unaffected by your trials and tribulations: it means being able to speak to yourself in an uplifting, elevated and liberated way, REGARDLESS of what happens to you…

That being said, here’s some of my earliest writings on raising your confidence and self-esteem. Let me know what you think, and enjoy both part 2 and part 3 of this series to get all the goodies. (Not “goodies” like Ciara though…that’s definitely not the subconscious association I need to be making…uh-oh, too late.)

The thing is, your value as a person can NEVER be measured by your accomplished, and while you’re desire for success is healthy, the false notion that you need success to BE desirable is not…

If you have this false notion, the following cycle might sound familiar: (1) you get inspired to do something, (2) you make a minor attempt at it, (3) you experience a small setback, (4) you lose the motivation to keep trying, and (5) you beat yourself up about it continuously after the fact.

The internal dialogue goes something like “Look at me, here I go messing things up again.” “What the hell is wrong with me? Why can’t I get this right?” “I’m just stupid…stupid, stupid, stupid.” “See, I knew this would happen. Why do I even bother? Just forget it.”

This is low self-worth, and in time, the negative self-talk associated can become ingrained, making the more positive self-talk that encourages success (an internal champion) seem unimaginable.

picture of young asian woman looking away contemplatively

So to help fight this tendency, here’s part 1 (of 3) of my favorite techniques for becoming a “fly” person, which again, is about your motivational sense, not your fashion one…

1: Separate Your Results from Your IDENTITY

The first step to liberate yourself from this is to separate your experiences from your identity…it’s to learn evaluating yourself as separate process from evaluating your results.

If you can’t seem to “stay motivated” for instance, that just means you don’t know how to motivate yourself, which is *a skill* you can learn.

If you can’t seem to build anything with the people you meet romantically, that just means you don’t know how to build a relationship, which is *a skill* you can learn.

If you can’t seem to manage your finances, that just means you’re not strategic (or positive) about money, which is *a skill* you can learn.

None of this means that something is wrong with YOU, but simply that you don’t know how to do a particular thing.

picture of young african american girl on beach

When you were born, you didn’t even know how to walk, but you learned, didn’t you? And, you had to fall down numerous times, but did you say to yourself, “I’m destined to just crawl for the rest of my life. Why do I even try???”

Failure is a stepping stone to success. You have to fail multiple times in everything you do before you learn to do it, so stop interpreting your failures as indications of your personal value, and “stop making identity meaning out of external events.”

Before you can truly “unfold your wings” and take off, you have to understand that you are perfect exactly as you are now. You don’t need to improve, evolve or succeed in order to grow in value as a human being: You are valuable as a human being simply because you exist.

Think RIght Now for Windows

More coming soon…


One Comment »

  • Kiran said:

    now that’s FLY!

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