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WHAT DO WOMEN WANT??? (Bryan’s Take On It…)

20 May 2010 15 Comments


In the facebook world, I’ve been noticing A LOT of sisters using their status to hint at what they’d like to see in a man (or just vent about some whack experience they recently had with one), and in the real world, I KNOW how frustrated women are with men as a whole…

gorgeous black woman at laptop

I also had an interesting discussion with my roommates on this the other day, so I decided to do something constructive…blog about it.

Now I’m no dating guru or anything (I’m still learning like everyone else is,) but here’s my perspective on things: what I call “5 Basic Steps a Brother Can Take to Improve His Dating Life.” Check it…

———— (Step 1) Stop Idealizing Women ————

Understand that the sister you’re interested in has problems, concerns and insecurities just like you do (I don’t care how beautiful, cool or “together” she seems to be), so stop treating her like she’s some Goddess you need to worship and start treating her more like she’s simply another human being just trying to make it in life…

black earth woman 5% artworkLet go of the fantasy that if you had some amazing woman in your life, everything else would magically work itself out, because it’s not gonna happen.

Don’t get me wrong, you should always treat a woman like a Queen, but you should also understand that you’re a King yourself…so even though there’s attraction between the two of you, keep the same vibe that you would if she was your little sister or one of your best friends. For instance:

>> If she’s out of line on something, call her on it,

>> If she tries to sell you some B.S., challenge her on it (tell her that you’re surprised that she wouldn’t just keep things real with you), and

>> If she disrespects you, your time or your property in anyway, don’t tolerate it.

Don’t give her any special privileges just because you’re interested in her romantically. Understand that she’s only another human being just like you are, and keep the status-level equal.

———— (Step 2) Build Your Skills One Step at a Time ————

Learn to look at the whole courting process as a sequence of events, and just focus on successfully transitioning from one phase to the next.

This was a big one for me, because not only did I learn to focus on improving one area of my “game” a time, I also became indifferent to the overall outcome.

Couple walking outdoors(Women can sense when you’re interested but at the same time dis-attached, and it’s VERY attractive…it shows that you have a sense of self-control.)

But most guys don’t get this step-by-step approach: as soon as they realize a woman’s interested in them, they skip the natural stages, try to take things too far too soon and somehow expect something to happen. This is a turn-off for women, because you’re not building any anticipation in her mind.

So a more sequence-oriented approach is good for several reasons:

(1) You get to improve your skills by focusing on each component,
(2) She feels more comfortable around you and
(3) You separate yourself from almost ALL of the other guys she’s dealt with (which is key).

Also, since you’re the man, know that it’s always on you to take things to the next level…know that you’re the one who’s going to have to take the risk and progress at each step of the game. Deal with it…

steps above water graphic design image

Again, everything’s easier if you just take the “one-step-at-a-time” mentality:

>> If you’re not the best at approaching women and starting conversations, just focus on that until you feel comfortable with it.

>> If you’re not the best at getting contact information (phone #’s or whatever), just focus on that until it feels natural.

>> If you’re not the best at setting up dates with a woman and getting her to follow through, just focus on that. (So on and so forth.)

It’s really just like learning anything else.

———— (Step 3) Get Your Personal Issues Handled ————

black man on stoops thinkingIf it applies, stop talking to women about your deep-level emotional problems. Once in a while is cool (especially as she gets to know you), but at least give her the impression that you’re in control of yourself and your reality.

Remember, negative energy is contagious, so if every time she talks to you you sound like you need to get some help, she’s not going to want to be around you for too much longer.

And it’s the same on your 1/2: what if you met a girl you were interested in, but every time you got on the phone with her she gave you a 45-minute monologue about all the drama in her life? How much time would you want to spend with her then???

diary of a tired black man

Now of course, we all have deeper-problems, but the dating world is not the place to get them resolved. (This is an easy one to forget once you start getting serious with a sister, but just remember that she got with you because of who you were at that beginning point in time, so if you change things up later on, then you basically deceived her. It’s common sense.)

Interestingly enough, if you’re having dating issues, you’re personal issues are probably the reason behind them. The outer-world reflects the inner-world, and this goes for men and women both.

Ask 10 sisters what personality trait attracts them most to a man and THE NUMBER ONE RESPONSE YOU’LL GET IS CONFIDENCE…that’s for a reason.

So take some time out to improve your own self-confidence – how much you like yourself and how much you feel like you’re “a catch.” Women intuitively pick up on this sort of thing and respond to it.

On a deeper note, take responsibility for the results your getting in the dating world by going inward. If you catch yourself complaining about women (in general or about a particular girl), STOP and RE-EVALUATE YOURSELF. If you catch yourself around friends who are complaining about women, either challenge them on it or change the subject entirely.

A lot of men nowadays harbor a deep-seated resentment towards the opposite sex: either their mother didn’t treat them well, a woman did them wrong in the past or whatever…and they still haven’t gotten over it. As a result, they hold this hidden contempt in their heart that manifests itself whenever the subject of women comes up. (Women can pick up on this too by the way…they can tell if you’re a guy who just doesn’t like women.)

Do your best to stay away from this type of thing. If you need to be around someone like this because of work or whatever, always convert the energy: change the subject, talk about your positive experiences with a girl, do something…just never allow yourself to take part in one of those “war stories” that subtly imply that the situation is hopeless or that all women are out to cause you some type of suffering.

black couple pillow fightingWhen you’re with a woman, instead of going semi-depression on her, FOCUS ON HAVING FUN. Take her back to the playground (metaphorically speaking…or maybe for real).

Go to the Zoo. Pillow-fight. Squirt her with a water-gun by surprise when she shows up at your door (just not in her hair or on her outfit…maybe miss her on purpose). Do anything to make her experience with you enjoyable, spontaneous and rejuvenating, because nobody wants to be around all that sadness.

———— (Step 4) Know That Women Test Men & Get Used to It. ———–

David Deida, in his book The Way of the Superior Man, says that “women test men to see if they can trust him,” and he’s right.

The Way of the Superior Man by David DeidaWomen test a man in a fake situation in order to see how he’ll hold up in a REAL situation. It’s genius…

If this doesn’t make sense to you, just put yourself in her shoes: what would you do if you wanted to find out if some guy you were dating was a real man or not? Would you verbally ask his behind, “Hey baby, if I ever act crazy and get out of line will you stay calm and keep things in check?” How well do you think that would work???

It’s simple: women don’t want to waste their time with a fraud just like you don’t, but they’re more intelligent in how they go about ascertaining things.

So when you’re dealing with a woman, be on the lookout for tests (as in, when you least expect them), and when they happen, just laugh it off like you know what’s going down and think it’s kind of cute.

Really, the only thing you need to do is be your natural self, but understand that she’s going to draw conclusions about you and how compatible you two are based on how you act in real-life scenarios.

And lastly…

———— (Step 5) Immerse Yourself in Her Femininity ————

Want her because there’s a chemistry and connection between the two of you, NOT just because you want another notch on your belt to bolster your self-esteem.

Get in tune with that more spiritual dynamic of male-female energy exchange: be intrigued with the feminine mystique and seek to explore it in the particular woman you’re building with.

Most men are completely cut off from this level of interaction, but women are not: they’re extremely sensitive to their environment and to the people around them, and they thrive off this deeper level of bonding. (This is why the phrase “I was just thinking about you and…” works so well.)

Just try to be more intuitive and compassionate, and open your mind up to a woman’s way of seeing things. (But don’t go too far with this either…stay on your side of the equation.)

What Women Want with Mel Gibson

Specifically, things like maintaining eye contact with her, being honest with her at all times and letting her know you care about her well-being (by showing it through small gestures, NOT simply saying it) are very powerful. Examples:

>> Identify with her feelings and validate them (watch the movie What Women Want by Mel Gibson for examples),

>> Tell her she’s gorgeous (in an authentic way, not a KING magazine, graphically-enhanced through Adobe Photoshop kinda way),

>> Compliment her on something no one else notices (an accomplishment of hers, the way she handled a situation, etc.)

>> or do anything else that says “Hey, we share a special bond. Let’s see where this goes…

So there’s my two cents. Overall, I think it’s about HAVING PERSONALITY, not having “game.”

Hope this helps. Let me know what you think.

Black Men: it’s time to stand up. There are billions of Black Women who
want to do nothing more than worship the ground that you walk on. We are so in
love with your potential. We want to have your back; we want to love,
support and cherish every ounce of your being…

~ from a popular story called ‘Saggin Pants.’



  • Maraw said:

    Interesting. Good info. But, I think guys do the testing. At least I’m too simple to do that. I’d rather ask outright or wait and see. lol.

  • Kupenda said:

    When I first saw your title, I was wondering how you – a man – could speak on what we women want. But when I saw the point you made to say that this is your take on it, I respected that alot. For the most part, I think you are right on point. What distinguishes your post from other discussions like this is that you offer mature tips that are practical and within reach. I’m impressed that you suggest that brothers be introspective, take responsibility for themselves, and bring their best self forward. I also really like your suggestion that brothers not engage in conversations that degrade women. I, myself, am flattered by special privileges from a man that lets me know I’m special to him. (By that, I don’t mean that a man should forego his values or skimp on requiring respect). As long as “checking” a sister does not mean physical or verbal abuse, and is done with respect, I can dig that. If I met a man like this, who was sincere about being responsive to me, I’d want to make sure that I was responsive to what he wanted too (within reason, of course). A brother like this would definitely spark my interest.

  • Patricia Fitch said:

    Hey Bryan,
    If I were next to you right now, I would give you a high five. That was so deep. I have been married to my husband now for thirty two (32( years. The same thing it take to get them, it takes to keep them. The most important thing that I tell a couple is “DO NOT LET THE ROMANCE DIE!.” A man wants a lady in the streets, but he want a Wh….. in the sheets. What you won’t do, someoine else will! Kepp the communication flowing. Do not ever stop talking to one another. I do not care what it is, Talk about it, work it out. Continue to makeone another laugh. My husband still laughs at the things that I say that are funny. And I think of things to make him laugh. Last but not least, TRUST. You cannot loose the trust. I trust my husband, and he trust me. Love Pat!

  • Patricia Fitch said:

    I meant Keep the communication flowing. Sorry! Pat!

  • Bryan Ogilvie (author) said:

    Hey I’m glad you guys enjoyed this and took the time out to read it in the first place…(appreciate the feedback as well).

    I’m on my way out the door right now, but I’ll be sure to get back to you when I’m back online


  • Erin said:

    I absolutely LOVE this and I believe you are on point w/ everything. My favorite part though was the point 5 about a man immersing himself in a woman’s feminity. Men came from a woman and to reach Heaven, all you must do is lay upon her bosom or on her thighs for comfort. I’m speechless b/c these things are so basic and would lead to a revolution in African peoples and their male and female interactions with each other. But yesssss…this is Knowledge and I will post it b/c every BLACK man NEEDS to read this. Empower my brother and we shall Revolutionize. Love and Peace, Afiyana :)

    “The sun is in the East and the Moon reflects…the Knowledge in which I manifest. If you wanna go to heaven, lay upon my breast, I’m Yeyo” -Erykah Badu

    Yeyo- swahili for “Mother”

  • Wizdom Selah said:

    Peace B,

    I really could expound on each point and add on but to save time I will just say I agree.

    We Are All Living and Learning and A Work In Progress but just like how You ended it….Yes, We (Black Women) Are Here Waiting and Willing to Worship The Ground You Walk on…If You Are Worthy. And We Love You!

    Peace and Love,

  • Jean Spaulding said:

    Wow! This is all well and good, but why is it necessary to compete/ man vs, woman. In the end, you both want and are looking for the same thing: LOVE AND TO BE LOVED. I have two beautiful daughters that are approaching the age when the eggs are no longer fertile. I would like to be a grandmother.
    Are there any books or advice for me?

  • Jean Spaulding said:

    I don’t understand what I am to do?

  • Bryan Ogilvie (author) said:

    @Kupenda: No doubt…you know what I always say (I learned this from Bro. Phil): “leave they ass the very first time they hit.”

    I personally wouldn’t stay in any relationship where I didn’t feel free AND comfortable. One of my new rules is “I have to CHOOSE to kick it with this person, EVERYTIME.” So, I’d recommend the same to everyone else (male and female).

    It’s interesting though, because when I first came up with the idea to write this, it was only supposed to be like a sentence or two for each step…I guess the ideas started flowing and I went off ;)

    Glad you liked it Queen. Hopefully we can get a lot of men checking it out too…

    @Pat: I’M HAPPY FOR YOU, and that’s what I love to see…two people making it work. (My mother’s name is Patricia too by the way.)

    @Erin: Word up. You already know it’s mind detect mind. Thanks for reposting, because like you I said earlier I hope brothers are reading this too.

    @Jean: I agree with you Sis: WE ARE ALL LOOKING FOR THE SAME THING, so I’m not suggesting here that men and women should be competing in anyway.

    These are just my ideas on what men can do to improve that area of their life we could refer to as “women and dating.”

    I haven’t come across any good readings on that subject specifically, but I’ll keep you in mind in case I do (try an Amazon search for “fertility” or something)

    To be clear, I am not a doctor or medical specialist of any sort, so for your particular case, I suggest you find a holistic health practitioner that you trust and let him or her know your concerns…

    Thanks for the comments you guys, AND for taking the time out to read.


  • Renee said:

    Wow, I think some more ironing out on this subject needs to be done. If a person is wanting to be in a relationship, why? Is it to kick it, you say build…but in old terms its kickin it. If any serious relationship is to be had, you are so right…love of self has to have been achieved, otherwise their can be no love shared with another, but in order to have authentic love, their has to be surrender, or its not love. If the whole point is sex, or kickin it, then some spiritual examination should be considered, regardless if its Christianity, or Universal Principals…something more here is needed.

  • Fatima said:

    I’m just amazed that you figured this much out. Good insight! Hopefully men will read and engage in this deeper. The world we live in doesn’t make the female/male dichotomy so important anymore however it truly is, it’s the fabric and foundation of our family structure.

  • Shayla said:

    It’s refreshing to read material about dating that is not based on sex, games, and superficiality. A healthy relationship can not be built upon such things. You are so on point in speaking of the things we look for and the things we sense. My cousin and I have often spoken about the fact that we are attracted to men who are “in tune” or like you said, men who can immerse themselves in femininity. there is a clear difference between them and those who do not truly like women. I could do nothing but laugh when you pointed out the limits within playfulness. getting a sistahs hair wet is never a good move. lol. The part about us testing yah’ll is very tricky though. It puts me in mind of sterotype that women are manipulative and its sounds dishonest and gamey. My first impulse was to deny that i test men, but as i began to really think about it, i do, but it’s not in that kind of way. sometimes if you give a person enough rope, they will hang themselves and the truth will come to light. i think the best way to test a man is to be honest and just pay attention. Manipulation tends to breed drama. overall, i agree with your perspective on dating and i think the most important thing you mentioned was step 2, when you spoke about pacing. It seems that many nice men i’ve come across recently don’t understand the importance of pacing and it is a major turn off.

  • Mona said:

    Much love and respect for your courage, wisdom, and eloquence in expressing your take on what women want. Number 5 totally resonates with me. Keep doing what you do. Thank you.

  • Hydrangea12 said:

    Everyone else has responded very positively to your blog. So it’s clear that it resonates with a lot of people.

    And there is a lot of good stuff here…

    But, man… I do not recognize the woman you’re talking about.

    First of all, indifference and detachment would send me out the door in 2 minutes. What’s the point of investing time with someone who acts like he’s not that into you?

    I want love. I want passion. I want someone who feels me to his core, and acts accordingly from the get-go. That guy will get the same response from me.

    And if you’re just practicing your “game” with no concern for the outcome, you reduce what should be a phenomenal human interaction to a field test. That’s not what you want to do.

    Finally, I don’t know what that “testing” thing is about. “Women,” as a generalized group, do not do this. A subset of women might. But for many/most of us, there’s too much going in in real life to be coming up with fake tests.

    (And my sense is that most black women aren’t doing this anyway, because we’re NOT trying to rush the disillusionment that many of us fear will be inevitable at some point in our relationships with black men. The disillusionment that so many of us will overlook anyway, even when our men do fail us somehow. That’s a historical truth. We are not trying to hasten the situation that will render us partnerless.)

    But I suspect someone will follow this with all the reasons why I’m not getting your point or how out of touch I am with the way things are.

    But this is the view from inside my chest.

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