WHAT DO WOMEN WANT??? (Bryan’s Take On It…)
In the facebook world, I’ve been noticing A LOT of sisters using their status to hint at what they’d like to see in a man (or just vent about some whack experience they recently had with one), and in the real world, I KNOW how frustrated women are with men as a whole…
I also had an interesting discussion with my roommates on this the other day, so I decided to do something constructive…blog about it.
Now I’m no dating guru or anything (I’m still learning like everyone else is,) but here’s my perspective on things: what I call “5 Basic Steps a Brother Can Take to Improve His Dating Life.” Check it…
Understand that the sister you’re interested in has problems, concerns and insecurities just like you do (I don’t care how beautiful, cool or “together” she seems to be), so stop treating her like she’s some Goddess you need to worship and start treating her more like she’s simply another human being just trying to make it in life…
Don’t get me wrong, you should always treat a woman like a Queen, but you should also understand that you’re a King yourself…so even though there’s attraction between the two of you, keep the same vibe that you would if she was your little sister or one of your best friends. For instance:
>> If she’s out of line on something, call her on it,
>> If she tries to sell you some B.S., challenge her on it (tell her that you’re surprised that she wouldn’t just keep things real with you), and
>> If she disrespects you, your time or your property in anyway, don’t tolerate it.
Don’t give her any special privileges just because you’re interested in her romantically. Understand that she’s only another human being just like you are, and keep the status-level equal.
———— (Step 2) Build Your Skills One Step at a Time ————
Learn to look at the whole courting process as a sequence of events, and just focus on successfully transitioning from one phase to the next.
This was a big one for me, because not only did I learn to focus on improving one area of my “game” a time, I also became indifferent to the overall outcome.
But most guys don’t get this step-by-step approach: as soon as they realize a woman’s interested in them, they skip the natural stages, try to take things too far too soon and somehow expect something to happen. This is a turn-off for women, because you’re not building any anticipation in her mind.
So a more sequence-oriented approach is good for several reasons:
(1) You get to improve your skills by focusing on each component,
(2) She feels more comfortable around you and
(3) You separate yourself from almost ALL of the other guys she’s dealt with (which is key).
Also, since you’re the man, know that it’s always on you to take things to the next level…know that you’re the one who’s going to have to take the risk and progress at each step of the game. Deal with it…
Again, everything’s easier if you just take the “one-step-at-a-time” mentality:
>> If you’re not the best at approaching women and starting conversations, just focus on that until you feel comfortable with it.
>> If you’re not the best at getting contact information (phone #’s or whatever), just focus on that until it feels natural.
>> If you’re not the best at setting up dates with a woman and getting her to follow through, just focus on that. (So on and so forth.)
It’s really just like learning anything else.
———— (Step 3) Get Your Personal Issues Handled ————
If it applies, stop talking to women about your deep-level emotional problems. Once in a while is cool (especially as she gets to know you), but at least give her the impression that you’re in control of yourself and your reality.
Remember, negative energy is contagious, so if every time she talks to you you sound like you need to get some help, she’s not going to want to be around you for too much longer.
And it’s the same on your 1/2: what if you met a girl you were interested in, but every time you got on the phone with her she gave you a 45-minute monologue about all the drama in her life? How much time would you want to spend with her then???
Now of course, we all have deeper-problems, but the dating world is not the place to get them resolved. (This is an easy one to forget once you start getting serious with a sister, but just remember that she got with you because of who you were at that beginning point in time, so if you change things up later on, then you basically deceived her. It’s common sense.)
Interestingly enough, if you’re having dating issues, you’re personal issues are probably the reason behind them. The outer-world reflects the inner-world, and this goes for men and women both.
So take some time out to improve your own self-confidence – how much you like yourself and how much you feel like you’re “a catch.” Women intuitively pick up on this sort of thing and respond to it.
On a deeper note, take responsibility for the results your getting in the dating world by going inward. If you catch yourself complaining about women (in general or about a particular girl), STOP and RE-EVALUATE YOURSELF. If you catch yourself around friends who are complaining about women, either challenge them on it or change the subject entirely.
A lot of men nowadays harbor a deep-seated resentment towards the opposite sex: either their mother didn’t treat them well, a woman did them wrong in the past or whatever…and they still haven’t gotten over it. As a result, they hold this hidden contempt in their heart that manifests itself whenever the subject of women comes up. (Women can pick up on this too by the way…they can tell if you’re a guy who just doesn’t like women.)
Do your best to stay away from this type of thing. If you need to be around someone like this because of work or whatever, always convert the energy: change the subject, talk about your positive experiences with a girl, do something…just never allow yourself to take part in one of those “war stories” that subtly imply that the situation is hopeless or that all women are out to cause you some type of suffering.
Go to the Zoo. Pillow-fight. Squirt her with a water-gun by surprise when she shows up at your door (just not in her hair or on her outfit…maybe miss her on purpose). Do anything to make her experience with you enjoyable, spontaneous and rejuvenating, because nobody wants to be around all that sadness.
———— (Step 4) Know That Women Test Men & Get Used to It. ———–
David Deida, in his book The Way of the Superior Man, says that “women test men to see if they can trust him,” and he’s right.
If this doesn’t make sense to you, just put yourself in her shoes: what would you do if you wanted to find out if some guy you were dating was a real man or not? Would you verbally ask his behind, “Hey baby, if I ever act crazy and get out of line will you stay calm and keep things in check?” How well do you think that would work???
It’s simple: women don’t want to waste their time with a fraud just like you don’t, but they’re more intelligent in how they go about ascertaining things.
So when you’re dealing with a woman, be on the lookout for tests (as in, when you least expect them), and when they happen, just laugh it off like you know what’s going down and think it’s kind of cute.
Really, the only thing you need to do is be your natural self, but understand that she’s going to draw conclusions about you and how compatible you two are based on how you act in real-life scenarios.
———— (Step 5) Immerse Yourself in Her Femininity ————
Want her because there’s a chemistry and connection between the two of you, NOT just because you want another notch on your belt to bolster your self-esteem.
Get in tune with that more spiritual dynamic of male-female energy exchange: be intrigued with the feminine mystique and seek to explore it in the particular woman you’re building with.
Most men are completely cut off from this level of interaction, but women are not: they’re extremely sensitive to their environment and to the people around them, and they thrive off this deeper level of bonding. (This is why the phrase “I was just thinking about you and…” works so well.)
Just try to be more intuitive and compassionate, and open your mind up to a woman’s way of seeing things. (But don’t go too far with this either…stay on your side of the equation.)
Specifically, things like maintaining eye contact with her, being honest with her at all times and letting her know you care about her well-being (by showing it through small gestures, NOT simply saying it) are very powerful. Examples:
>> Identify with her feelings and validate them (watch the movie What Women Want by Mel Gibson for examples),
>> Tell her she’s gorgeous (in an authentic way, not a KING magazine, graphically-enhanced through Adobe Photoshop kinda way),
>> Compliment her on something no one else notices (an accomplishment of hers, the way she handled a situation, etc.)
>> or do anything else that says “Hey, we share a special bond. Let’s see where this goes…”
So there’s my two cents. Overall, I think it’s about HAVING PERSONALITY, not having “game.”
Hope this helps. Let me know what you think.
“Black Men: it’s time to stand up. There are billions of Black Women who
want to do nothing more than worship the ground that you walk on. We are so in
love with your potential. We want to have your back; we want to love,
support and cherish every ounce of your being…”
~ from a popular story called ‘Saggin Pants.’